I’ve had an interesting few months of late. Since starting these blog posts a few months ago, a couple of things have happened. I have developed a new passion for improving my writing and story telling abilities, and certain people have taken to reading my posts and making assumptions about who I am and what I am going through.
The main question that has been asked of me regarding this; why would I take the liberty of disclosing my personal life in such a public forum?
My answer is simple. If people can learn from my choices, experiences and mistakes, then I am doing a service for the greater good. And really, as a songwriter and public person, this is what I do.
As you probably know, I have been going through a rather difficult breakup for the last little while and the people directly involved with this breakup have had part of their story told from my perspective. In the mean time the peripheral people in these situations have made their own assumptions and taken the liberty to inform those involved in my life and in my heart of their own perspectives on who I am and what my intentions are.
This is irritating. It’s irritating because no one could know what I am really going through without asking me. Even then it’s all subject to peoples motives and self worth. Also because it makes me reluctant to be truthful and express what I want to express in this very public forum.
This blog is a cathartic outlet for me and I enjoy processing things in writing and then releasing it to the world. Like writing a biography, bit by bit, story bite by story bite. Processing in words and letting it go.
I could just as easily write a song about some of these things, however one needs to understand that writing a song means that I will ultimately perform it again and again, revisiting some of the pain and disappointment of events. Not always worth holding on to. Plus that’s not really where I am at, right now. My creativity comes in different forms at different times and I would be a fool to tell it to go away based on the fact that the style of catharsis is “inconvenient” for those who choose to try to understand me.
Not everything I am feeling is expressed in these posts. And everything gets interpreted differently depending on differing people’s points of view.
For instance, amongst other things, my post “My Own New York” delivered two different disgruntled opinions from different people separately involved in my life. A mess of gossip and heightened activity was inspired from several related groups and it was pretty disappointing to receive the reactions from these parties without question of what it meant, and without consideration that I am writing first and foremost for my own pleasure, and my own process.
The trip to New York was devastating in many ways but I just don’t want to give it the space that it would get from a debrief now, knowing that there are certain people that are looking to see how I’d express that experience. So I’ll hold on to these things and give space to them when I’m ready to write songs again.
What the fallout over my blog has helped to teach me, in conjunction with everything that I have been through of late, is that the person that may one day become my significant other should have the capacity to love me unconditionally. This means they will accept me for every aspect of who I am. This includes my desire to connect with many people on many different levels. To express publicly who I am and how I deal with life. To share and inspire. To be the best at what I do, and not make any excuses for wanting to be and experience all of that.
Ultimately, someone who can love me and not feel intimidated by the fact that I am an expressive creature, and that my craft and mission will always come first. Not an easy thing to do for most.
I have only recently been shown that it is possible- that I can be loved intimately and unconditionally, and celebrated for exactly who I am. It’s just a terrible shame that some things come with such shitty timing and that these lessons often come at a price.
We all have different ways of getting through the complex labyrinth of life. I have the great fortune to have a very well practiced myriad of creative outlets. I am eternally grateful for this. Lessons can be painful. But that won’t stop me seeking them.
Blogs like mine can and will be misinterpreted, and can be the fodder for people’s distractions, but that won’t stop me writing them.
My words will be taken out of context, I will be judged, and in some circumstances I will be disliked, But that won’t stop putting myself out there.
There are many things I want to say to some of you who are reading this that I am no longer in personal dialogue with. Things that I am angry with you about. Things that I am disappointed with you about. Things that I love you for. I could write here knowing full well that you will know I am talking directly to you. But I won’t. Some things are for the world to know, and some are not.
I do know the difference.